Cruz and Me

I didn't know I was incomplete.

I was very happy with the two kids I had and the ages and stages we were experiencing together. I was starting to ponder what my life might look like when my kids were in school and I would have a good portion of the day to do whatever I please - a career, volunteering, lunch with friends...(whatever it is it will involve wearing better clothes that's for sure). I thought that another child might have the effect of diminishing returns. Overwhelmingly this is not the case. I can't get enough of this little creature.

When he was first born (and I use that term loosely - more like when he was first 'removed' - but the requisite birth story I will save for another day) I didn't recognize him. Of course you never know exactly what your baby will look like but after two you have a good idea - not to mention right at first they pretty much just look like a hot mess (literally). I don't know what I expected but at that moment he looked more like himself than like anyone else. As time has gone I recognize him as his father's child (Ben had some suspicion given the some of the dates we were given) who shares a complexion with his sister, dimples with his brother and alas he has my double chin (and strong corrugator muscle).

I want to spend every moment looking at him. Because when I turn away and look back he has grown. This desire precludes me from doing much else but I don't even care (except to get my taxes done because I don't think the IRS would appreciate my excuse).

I love the larval newborn stage and it passes so quickly. I love the floppy head, the scrunched up legs, the fleeting sleep smiles and the occasional breathy chuckle, the frequently crossed eyes trying hard to make sense of the world outside of the womb, the kitten soft hair etc. etc.

With your first child you can't wait until they accomplish the next thing and you encourage and celebrate their growth, but with the last you just savor every second and want to slow down every moment - which probably explains the nurture factor in birth order and the resulting personality traits. I don't yet think of Miles as my middle child but I feel as though both of my boys are my "babies". In sum, for the third time I am absolutely and completely in love.

I am still just getting the hang of being the mother of an infant again. I keep forgetting that I need a diaper bag, although the dozen or so dirty/wet diapers a day should be a good reminder. The constant need for nutrition provided by me is also a drain, however, it gives me a good excuse to do nothing other than stare at and savor my baby boy. Some of my favorite times are those moments in the middle of the night when no one but the two of us are awake (ask me in a few months if these are still some of my favorite moments as the mommy high wears off and fatigue sets in).

As for my recovery from abdominal surgery - it is going well enough. I was able to quit the meds a week out but even now two and a half weeks out there is still pain. I am finally able to laugh and cough without wincing, sneezing is still an unwelcome experience. A couple things I was really looking forward to post-partum was being able to bend over and pick things up with ease (either I am way more clumsy or I just never noticed how often I dropped stuff before) and get back to work in the yard and also to sleep on my stomach. I was sad when I realized it would be a while before those things were possible. One thing I didn't realize is how much core strength cooking took. In particular - trying to open a jar or crush a clove of garlic with the broad side of a knife.

The good news is that I am not bitter about having had to have a c-section and the scar is not as bad as I imagined. (The other good news is that we all fit in our Passat so we don't have to get a bigger car, but our days of riding together in the truck are sadly over.) Our family of five feels complete (again) with the arrival of Cruz and I'm so glad he is here.